Children I Never Want to Raise

  1. The one that peaks in high-school.
    He or she is the captain of every sports team and dates the captain of every other sports team. He or she wins both homecoming and prom King or Queen and will never put it to rest. He or she is the life of the beer-pong party, but quickly realizes that they are only the life of the party until they reach college, when life basically becomes a party. He or she will probably move back to where we raised him or her and become a gym teacher at his or her old high-school.
  2. The one that peaks in college.
    Nothing is worse than a 20-something constantly talking about "When I was a member of Zeta Whatever Shut-Up" at their first low-paying job. In many ways, I think producing one of these children is worse, because he or she will probably come live at home after graduating for longer than they were actually in school. Most likely will work a mid-level corporate job in somewhere called an "Office Park."
  3. The one that gets into every Ivy League.
    He or she is the cockiest, but has every right to be. However, this would make lunch dates with the other moms very uncomfortable, as there is animosity towards my genius future-child and the fact that their non-genius children barely got into a state school. Now, every conversation will revolve around "Where is little Jimmy going to school?! He has soo many options!" I'll just say University of Phoenix.
  4. The one that knows it all.
    Not the same thing as a know it all. This child literally knows all. He or she reads the New York Times, The Economist, and The New Yorker every morning over a bowl of Greek yogurt, because they "read it was good for you in The Times." He or she will spend weekends devouring textbooks for classes they aren't taking and try to ask you questions about said subject during every waking moment. This is probably the same child who gets into every Ivy League, but not necessarily.
  5. The one who is way too into sports.
    He or she participates in year-round sports like baseball or lacrosse. You will have to pay thousands of dollars to attend "tournaments" in cities you do not care about and stay in hotels where the coffee is bad and he breakfast is free. The only good that could come out of this monetary genetic investment is the hope that he or she will receive a scholarship to a second-tier college. Maybe.