How To Tell If A Woman Is On Her Period

Congratulations! You think a woman is on her period! Don't worry. I’m here to help alleviate some of the fears you're facing in this time of distress. It's going to be okay.
  1. Check the trash can.
    Does it appear bloodier than normal? Are there giant wads of tissue paper, with a light red hue soaking through? This might be a sign that a woman is having her period. Be careful: Do not touch the rubbish. Keep it in there, but stare at it, with intent. Know the difference between vaginal bleeding and I Cut My Knee Trying To Shave My Legs bleeding.
  2. Rummage through the pantry.
    How is the snack supply looking? Are you oddly low on Oreo’s and Baked Lays? Before you jump to conclusions remember: Did you eat those scrumptious cookies or gluten-free chips? Think back to last Sunday when you were watching Game of Thrones. What were you stuffing into your mouth? You need to know these things before you can come to a solid conclusion.
  3. Note her bathroom habits.
    Is she going to the bathroom more often than usual, but only for a few minutes? Have you gone into the bathroom after she comes out and determined that she did not drop any kids off at the pool? You must do this. Keep a note going in your phone. Track the time of day. Track the length of time. Track the smells you notice before and after she returns from the bathroom. These observations could give you the answers that you need.
  4. Go to the beach.
    Have you asked her to go swimming? Notice her response. Is it the usual enthusiasm one exudes when they’re at the beach? If she agrees, but says she has to go to the bathroom first, then she might be on her period. Don’t forget to take note of her bathroom use. Are you still paying attention?
  5. Tell her something mundane and see if she reacts strongly.
    Does she start crying when you say you bought her another bag of Baked Lays at Ralphs? Does she get angry when you tell her that your phone is only charged at 73 percent battery? Observe her emotional state and ask her a lot of questions about it.
  6. Track her spending habits at CVS.
    Did she spend over $45 at CVS yesterday? This probably means she had to purchase feminine products. They’re expensive, so don’t assume that she purchased lots of photo prints from that disposable camera you took to the beach. Her brain was fuzzy and she left it in the sand.
  7. Take her and her BFF's out for drinks.
    Are they complaining more than usual about Veronica from work? Notice their emotional levels as a group. Their periods might be in sync. Don’t forget to note their bathroom use as a collective. More than two trips as a group could mean a tampon exchange is happening right under your nose.
  8. Hack her iPhone calendar.
    Do you see any strange events named “P Start” or “Lady time?” These could be signs that she is tracking her cycle. Write down the dates of these events. Make sure you are accurate with your transcription. For the love of god please don’t lock her out of her phone.
  9. Call her mother.
    Have you ever spoken to her mother? Probably not, but that’s okay. Be honest with her, but not too honest. Ask engaging questions about her daughter’s recent habits. Mention how you don’t want children any time soon. Tell her that you're a feminist.
  10. Just ask her.
    Have you two had The Talk? Sit her down. She’ll probably be wearing sweatpants and have a few new pimples on her forehead. Tell her that you have something important to discuss. She’ll start crying. You’ll start yelling. Then she’ll tell you that she needs to go to the bathroom.