If You Give A Fuccboi Your Number

  1. If you give a fuccboi your number, he's probably going to save your name next to an eggplant emoji. Or a peach.
  2. He'll probably text you first, but the text will come through at 12:01am and will begin with a u and end with an up.
  3. You'll text him back in the morning, because you don't want to seem desperate.
  4. You'll tell him you were not, in fact, up, but that you'd like to get a drink sometime soon.
  5. He'll open the text and throw his phone out the window so he doesn't have to respond.
  6. After he throws his phone out the window, he decides it's time to go on a four-hour hike without any distractions. Since, well, he doesn't have a phone.
  7. While he's on the hike, he'll get lost. Because he's a fuccboi, he was too confident to think that he needed a map. Oh, and remember, he doesn't have his phone.
  8. All the while, you'll have gone to work, checked your phone approximately 11 times, and told three coworkers about him. You think maybe he died.
  9. It's getting dark and The Fuccboi finally finds the path back to his Tesla, which is the only car left in the lot.
  10. But, shoot! His Tesla needs to be charged, so he convinces the park ranger to let him plug it in. This takes another four hours.
  11. You're back home from work and still don't have a text back. Your roommate tells you to ignore him, even though you clearly saw him check in on Foursquare to a local park rangers stand.
  12. You shout "Screw him!" from your room. Your roommate agrees, as she swipes on Tinder on her stomach.
  13. Finally, his car is charged and he's headed back to LA. He takes eight highways and gets stuck in traffic on each one, because, remember, he threw his phone out the window so he doesn't have Waze.
  14. Seven hours later, he is back in his one bedroom apartment in West Hollywood. You also thought it was weird that he lived alone is West Hollywood, but dismissed this character flaw about him.
  15. You fall asleep at 12:01am after watching the final episode of the OA. You would've preferred to discuss it with The Fuccboi, but he still hasn't responded to your text. You're getting worried that he did actually die.
  16. Once he's back inside his West Hollywood apartment, he realizes how much he misses his phone and how he should probably text that girl back.
  17. You're fast asleep and dreaming about what sort of wedding dress you'd wear at your wedding to The Fuccboi, which would probably be at the New York Public Library. His parents are on the board.
  18. He starts to panic and opens the window in his bedroom to finally retrieve his cell phone, which he thinks landed in the bushes below his third floor West Hollywood apartment. The last time he did this, there was an ample amount of bushes to cushion his fall. Not this time.
  19. When you wake up, you have a missed call and voicemail. Your heart skips a beat! "It must be him," you think.
  20. When you listen to the voicemail, it's from a man named Vick. He says that he's so sorry for your loss and that he was probably drunk.
  21. You're confused and listen to the message again. The reason Vick called, he says, is that The Fuccboi's face landed perfectly on the typing iMessage bubble, so the paramedics assumed you were his girlfriend.
  22. "Oh no," you assured Vick when you call him back. "He was just a fuccboi who "forgot" to text me back."