If You Give a Girl Mono

  1. She's going to want you to have told her that before you start making out.
  2. When you don't tell her before you make out, she'll probably leave.
  3. When she leaves, she'll ask that you never contact her again.
  4. Then she'll probably go to the doctor's to get tested.
  5. When she gets tested, she'll probably think about how her stomach always hurts after she eats two bagels.
  6. So she'll probably ask to get tested for Celiac's, too.
  7. When she's finished with the blood tests, she'll ask to see the results.
  8. She'll look at them.
  9. She'll get so overwhelmed by all the blood cell counts that she'll think she has cancer.
  10. She may even go on WeMd, as well!
  11. When she's done Googling, she'll probably want to take a nap.
  12. You'll have to call and text her to see how she's doing.
  13. She'll ignore your calls and texts because you gave her mono.
  14. She'll probably ask you to not tell her the story about how you got mono.
  15. So you won't tell her about it and she won't ask to see what the girl looked like.
  16. When she finds the girl on Facebook anyways, she'll passive aggressively tweet about her.
  17. She'll ask you for her phone number "for health reasons."
  18. She'll call her.
  19. When the call is over, she'll want to look up her address on Google Maps.
  20. Then she'll want to see every single text you sent her.
  21. Which means she'll need to see your phone.
  22. She'll look at your phone and scroll through the messages.
  23. Looking at the messages will remind her that she has mono, too.
  24. So she'll stare at her results again.
  25. And chances are, if you give a girl mono, she'll probably want to know before you make out.