Stages of New Year's Resolutions

  1. 2016 is going to be *my* year!!!
  2. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by February 1st.
  3. I'm giving up gluten, carbs, and processed sugar at the same time!
  4. I'm going to be less negative, too!
  5. Okay it's January 1st let's do this.
  6. No, waitress, I do not want a bun on my cheeseburger.
  7. I'm doing it!
  8. Yes, I'll still get the fries.
  9. I'm going to exercise four days a week.
  10. Okay maybe three times.
  11. It's January 7th and I've kept it all up except for the carbs.
  12. (Forgot french fries are carbs.)
  13. Regardless, this is still going to be *my* year!
  14. Fuck I'm hungry.
  15. Kale juice tastes horrible.
  16. I'll eat some chocolate covered almonds.
  17. Calm down, they're almonds!
  18. See: I'm still doing this!
  19. It's January 14th and I've only exercised once this week.
  20. But I was busy with a Netflix documentary series about murder and injustice!
  21. I'll walk around the mall this weekend.
  22. It's January 26th and I got my period.
  23. God damn it I'm going to drink a milkshake.
  24. I'm blaming the patriarchy!
  25. It's January 31st and I'm still on my period.
  26. Just ate a cheeseburger with the bun on it.
  27. I'll try my resolution again in a few months when it's warmer out.