1. bobby moynihan
    i only go out with him because he's famous, because the age difference is unsettling like whoa. i secretly tip off paparazzi to our date, and say that he seems to be going out with "an up-and-coming model". paparazzi shows up, and he tells them to get lost so we can enjoy a private dinner. i say i have to go to the bathroom but grab my coat and never return
  2. kenan thompson
    like the date with bobby moynihan, but it's a summer night so i don't have a coat to grab as i ditch
  3. michael che
    seems like it would be good but he's lowkey sexist and tells me to smile a few times, and not even in a jokey type way. first and last date
  4. jon rudnitsky
    he texts me after getting my number from a friend and asks me out. when i ask my friend to give me his last name so i can facebook stalk him, she can't spell it. we plan to meet at a bar. i feel too weird to ask for a picture so i have no idea what he looks like. i get there and text him and ask if he's here; he tells me he's the guy in the red shirt near the back. i eventually find him, but realize mid-date that this is not the jon i was looking for. i block jon's number and ditch the other jon
  5. taran killam
    we go to a basketball game, and all i can talk about is the movie "stuck in the suburbs". i have a great time, but he never returns my calls
  6. kyle mooney
    he would take me to an arcade "ironically" but not really. i'd be skeptical but end up having a good time. we never go on another date, but remain friends
  7. colin jost
    standard movie/dinner date. we see the latest marvel movie and it's fine. also he forgets his wallet and i have to pay for everything. maybe a couple more dates, but only because they give me something to tell my friends about
  8. beck bennett
    he would suggest a fancy restaurant and hold doors open for me (and the family behind us, aw). the waitress would flirt with him and i would be insecure about it. he'd seem like a generic gentleman type at first, but would loosen up as the evening progressed. i would give him a brilliant idea for a new sketch, and we would maybe date for a year, before i told him he was "too serious"
  9. jay pharoah
    takes me to a basketball game, and doesn't even get annoyed when all i talk about is "stuck in the suburbs". offers to buy me an ice cream cookie sandwich but i decline. lets me have "just a bite" that turns into me eating the entire thing. we date for half a year, and only end it because we're both "too busy". we stay friends and do impression videos that go viral
  10. pete davidson
    we go see a movie with seth rogen in it and then get dinner at an ihop at 11pm. continue this routine for months, until he shows up one night in a tux and takes me to a bougie restaurant and i get a little weird and cry. he proposes and we get married and have beautiful, tall, mixed babies