A Definitive Ranking of Alcohols by a College Freshman
When I go out and I can't decide what I want to drink, I usually ask myself, "how much do I want to hate myself?" This list is my personal opinion on every type of liquor I've ever tried.
- 1.Jacobs creek moscato: for when I want to brown out and cry about boys/embarass myself by loudly imitating an ex-manager. 10/10
- 2.Spicy Caesar: for when I want to feel less trashy at the bar, note: try not to puke these up. 10/10.
- 3.Barefoot moscato: for when I want to black out and cry about boys. 6/10
- 4.Smirnoff vodka, 375ml: for when I'm ready to get pretty drunk but still not drunk enough to know that dance floor make outs are kind of gross. 6/10
- 5.Peach schnapps: I will get back to you on this one, trying it out tonight. Edit: like, 5 months after the fact- I got so drunk. No real repercussions. 7/10.
- 6.Vex cooler, 1L: for when I want to get high-school-freshman-at-her-first-senior-party wasted/when I really want to black out and regret being born. 7/10 for taste, 2/10 for the idiot it makes me become.
- 7.Raspberry vodka: for when I want to relive my first drinking experience/forget about the fact that it was so long ago and I'm growing up. 6/10
- 8.Fireball whiskey: for when I want to relive throwing up under the bar onto the floor because the guy I liked was ignoring me. 5/10
- 9.Twisted tea(regular): tolerable, barely. Almost always ends in disaster. Easy to shotgun. 5/10
- 10.Malibu rum, regular: for when I'm craving the smell of sunscreen in my mouth. Which is basically never. How do people drink this stuff? 4/10
- 11.Malibu rum, pineapple: for when I feel like calling it a night at 9pm, I still cannot handle this stuff after the pukey hangover it gave me. 2/10
- 12.Cinnamon Tequila: for when I want to throw up on the bus ride home from the bar. 10/10 for how drunk it gets you, 2/10 for the hangover afterwardsI once slept until 10pm after a night with Mr. Jose Cuervo Cinge
- 13.Twisted tea(half&half): fuck no, thank you. 0/10.