ANNOYANCES YOU'RE FORCED TO DEAL WITH LIVING IN THE DC METRO AREA

It's been called "LA for ugly people" or "the city of northern charm and southern efficiency." I've known it as 'home' for most of my life. Here's a few things only people that live here have a right to bitch about:
  1. Anyone referring to it as "The DMV"
    I see what you did there. Comparing the place where we live to a universally hated beauraucratic institution. That's so obnoxiously clever I just want to rip out my eardrums so I never have to hear it again. Local radio stations are trying so hard to make this the hip new entrant into our lexicon. Barf.
  2. Vanity Plates
    So appropriately named. Just get the fuck over yourselves already.
  3. Choose Civility. Choose living in Howard County bumper stickers.
    WASP woman #1: "I had to drive south of Laurel today to get the oil changed in my Range Rover" WASP woman #2: "Oh God, how did you hold your nose so long among the unwashed masses?" WASP woman #1: "Haha! How droll!" Both: "HAHAHAHAHA!"
  4. EITM's laugh.
    I love ya Elliot, but only Krusty the Klown has a more annoying laugh. Do you practice that at home to achieve maximum obnoxiousness?
  5. The beltway between 95 and 270
    Why have they never added a lane on this part of 495? Is this some kind of emperor's new clothes situation? Has everyone just accepted that it will just always be fucked every day as some kind of cosmic punishment for living here?
  6. Everyone drives like a family of angry raccoons have built a nest under the driver's seat
    This area makes you a terrible driver, whether due to density, inattention, aggression, or just plain stupidity. It's also true that for local drivers, confidence in ones driving ability is inversely proportionate to competence. I'm no exception.
  7. Pat Collins, NBC4 field reporter
    They send him out to cover the extremely frivolous things or the extremely serious things, never anything in between. He's perfected this condescending, sing-song, raspy voice and cadence that would be equally at home reviewing a Dr. Suess book, or reporting first on the scene at a grisly murder-suicide. Keith Morrison better start looking over his shoulder, cuz this guy obviously wants his job.