ARMCHAIR CASTING DIRECTOR: BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI REBOOT

One of the finest films ever made. You might as well repaint the Sistine Chapel. Any attempted reboot would suffer in the comparison to a masterpiece. This should not be done under any circumstances. So of course it's going to happen, someday. Let's get ahead of the game and get the casting right. (You're welcome, Hollywood.)
  1. Jon Hamm as Shears
    I realize while writing this that I probably made a subconscious identity theft connection between Hamm's Don Draper character and Shears. I stand by this decision.
  2. Ken Watanabe as Colonel Saito
    I don't even think the reboot is possible without Watanabe. No one has the chops to pull of the level of intensity necessary for saito.
  3. Michael Fassbender as Major Clipton
    "MADNESS! MADNESS!"
  4. Ewan McGregor as Lieutenant Colonel Nicholson
    You might be tempted to criticize this decision by saying that it's become cliche to think of Ewan McGregor reprising a prior Sir Alec Guinness role. I don't care. I can't imagine another actor evoking the same steely resolve after being slapped in the face with the Geneva Conventions.