DISPATCHES FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Every now and then I like to check in on the alternate universe where James Hetfield has earned the honor of Taco Bell employee of the month (first reported by The Onion http://www.theonion.com/article/alternate-universe-james-hetfield-named-taco-bell--740 ) Let's examine some other parallel-reality highlights:
  1. Ray Lewis is the world's most intimidating street preacher
    Oddly compelling pre-sermon dance routine captivates onlookers
  2. OJ Simpson has recently reprised his role as the titular "Terminator" in the fifth installment of the movie franchise
    Critics and filmgoers alike continue to heap praise on the former athlete's acting ability, referring to his portrayal of a remorseless killing machine as 'absolutely terrifying'
  3. After years of abysmal attendance and declining television ratings, baseball commissioner George W Bush is finally forced to retire
    ...stubbornly refuses to acknowledge failure of his unpopular 'pre-emptive strike' doctrine