EULOGY FOR THE SOUP

  1. You were a beacon of light in a vast ocean of darkness
  2. Watching all that terrible television
    for all us sinners
  3. Now that you're gone, television is free to be as stupid as it wants to be
  4. "That I do, sir."
  5. No one is left to hold it accountable
  6. "Here go hell come"
  7. No one is left to speak truth to power:
  8. The Kardashians will be kept up with
    With impunity. No one will remember the time when the Kardashians were the butt of a joke. Big Ass and a sex tape. Dead-behind-the-eyes sisters. These statements won't make any sense to your children.
  9. Ghosts will be hunted
    By that I mean that attention whores will replay recordings of themselves in a dank basement
  10. Jack Hoffmann and the miners of Gold Rush Alaska will continue working those glory holes
    And no one will point out the innuendo
  11. Bigfoot Finders will continue to not find Bigfoot
  12. For those of us that survive, all we have left are fading memories
  13. "Dunka dooballs"