MY BRAND

  1. Athleisure: Basketball Shorts
    I do not now, nor have I ever, had any interest in playing basketball
  2. Accessories: Toddler/baby snot and/or vomit stains
  3. Complaining that Trent Reznor is whiny and unoriginal
    Every chance I get
  4. Not updating my wardrobe.
    Why buy new clothes when these haven't fallen apart yet? Also: much like Rain Man, I could buy the same shoe for the rest of my life and be ok with that
  5. Western style shirts
    snaps > buttons. Takes me back to childhood.
  6. Short sleeves, no jacket (all year round)
    To avoid sweating like a whore in church. (I run pretty hot, y'all. I probably have an undiagnosed medical condition)
  7. Pooping. A lot. 💩
    3+ times a day is very on brand for me
  8. Hobo beard
  9. Peanut butter > chocolate
  10. Nerdy things
    Both Stars: -Trek, and -Wars (not so much: -gate and Battle- Galactica) Red Dwarf. Phillip K Dick. SciFi/Fantasy.
  11. Being painfully aware about how out of touch I am
    Was going to write "painfully aware of how old and unhip I am," but that would imply that there was a time when I was hip
  12. Jeans that are too wide in the waist, too long in the leg
    Not really my choice: whoever sizes pants for men thinks I should be skinnier and/or have longer legs. Or wear my pants above my belly button.
  13. Jeans with leg bottoms that are worn to shreds (see above)
  14. Reversible leather belts
    So practical.
  15. Dad humor
    Example: a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck on his fly. The bartender asks "what's the wheel for?" Pirate: " I don't know, but it's drivin me nuts!"
  16. Beer belly
    ...Ladies
  17. Naps
    Sexiest thing I've ever heard: "Go take a nap. I'll watch the kids."
  18. Being so self-conscious that I am no longer self aware.
  19. Very little understanding of 'color coordination'
    Just fucking Black Magic as far as I'm concerned. When I drop my daughter off at daycare and receive compliments regarding her outfit I just assume they are making fun of me.
  20. Foaming hand soap