PITTSBURGH, SOUTH SIDE. 15 YEARS AGO. ~2:00 AM

A few friends and I were hanging out in one of the South Side's eateries while the bars were emptying out, and this intrepid young man decided to share some critical info with the crowd:
  1. "Gentlemen of Tom's Diner"
    The visibly drunken man begins.
  2. "I have an announcement..."
    Louder now. Members of his group are making their most convincing 'he's not with us' faces. The restaurant is silent, all eyes on him. The crowd shares the collective tingle of fear brought about by the unpredictability of this drunken rando
  3. "The women..."
    He slurs, and stumbles around, arms flailing like a rag doll. At this point the wait staff have started to take action. A broad-shouldered waitress locks eyes with him from across the floor and tries to threaten him, but is lazer focused on message, fueled by alcohol-inspired bravado.
  4. "...the ladies have been complaining"
    The broad shouldered waitress starts pushing chairs out of the way to close the gap between the two of them. If he notices, we can't tell. He is just so *connected* with this audience- for dramatic effect he shout-whispers:
  5. "About the oral sex."
    His delivery is impeccable. The tension in the restaurant, stretched to its limit, eased slightly. A few nervous snickers escape the crowd.
  6. "(It's bad.)"
    The waitress, meanwhile, finally makes contact and totally manhandles him. He struggles, but she just maneuvers him toward the door like a damn offensive lineman. Despite this, he never loses focus, and manages one final, drunken transmission before the waitress tosses his ass out on the street:
  7. "...I've never had any complaints."
    I think we all left the restaurant that morning just a little bit inspired by that young man.