WHAT TO EXPECT, REAL TALK EDITION

Nothing can truly prepare you for the challenge of creating new humans.
  1. Your child is Heath Ledger's Joker to your Batman. He will make you break all of your rules
    "I will never use a [television, iPad, electronic device, etc] as a pacifier/babysitter" HAHAHAHAHA you are so adorable, hypothetical judgmental non-parent!"
  2. You will transcend a new state of consciousness, via sleep deprivation. (Much like Gandalf after defeating the Balrog)
    Every other sleep-depravation experiment in your life has been a sprint compared to the marathon that is infant care. You know you've become a White Wizard when you are getting the same amount of incredibly interrupted sleep but you no longer care enough to be cranky.
  3. Everyone in your household will be sick for the duration of ~October to ~March
    Your mileage may vary, but this is especially true if they go to daycare.
  4. As a result: everything in your house will be covered in snot
  5. You will become obsessed with body fluids
    I just can't put into words the sublime feeling of satisfaction after you have wrestled your baby with one hand, inserted a NoseFrida into her nostril with another, and then very delicately sucked out a huge phlegmy wad from her sinuses. It's something you must experience for yourself.
  6. The Internet will not help you (part 1)
    Google anything about raising or caring for children. Anything. If you didn't find a longstanding bitter flame war of 1000 sides, all claiming that you are irreparably fucking up your children, then you don't know how to use the Internet.
  7. The Internet will not help you (part 2)
    True story: I once googled "persistent diaper rash treatment" and found this parent-to-parent recommendation: potty training. I wanted to scream FUCK YOU DICKHEAD directly into the Internet.