WHAT TO EXPECT, REAL TALK EDITION
Nothing can truly prepare you for the challenge of creating new humans.
- •Your child is Heath Ledger's Joker to your Batman. He will make you break all of your rules"I will never use a [television, iPad, electronic device, etc] as a pacifier/babysitter" HAHAHAHAHA you are so adorable, hypothetical judgmental non-parent!"
- •You will transcend a new state of consciousness, via sleep deprivation. (Much like Gandalf after defeating the Balrog)Every other sleep-depravation experiment in your life has been a sprint compared to the marathon that is infant care. You know you've become a White Wizard when you are getting the same amount of incredibly interrupted sleep but you no longer care enough to be cranky.
- •Everyone in your household will be sick for the duration of ~October to ~MarchYour mileage may vary, but this is especially true if they go to daycare.
- •As a result: everything in your house will be covered in snot
- •You will become obsessed with body fluidsI just can't put into words the sublime feeling of satisfaction after you have wrestled your baby with one hand, inserted a NoseFrida into her nostril with another, and then very delicately sucked out a huge phlegmy wad from her sinuses. It's something you must experience for yourself.
- •The Internet will not help you (part 1)Google anything about raising or caring for children. Anything. If you didn't find a longstanding bitter flame war of 1000 sides, all claiming that you are irreparably fucking up your children, then you don't know how to use the Internet.
- •The Internet will not help you (part 2)True story: I once googled "persistent diaper rash treatment" and found this parent-to-parent recommendation: potty training. I wanted to scream FUCK YOU DICKHEAD directly into the Internet.