Steps to have a satisfying and productive day
  1. Wake up
    Congrats! The hardest part is over
  2. Check your phone and find a text from your bank that says your account is over drawn by 2938475 dollars
    It's cool cause you got credit at the deli for at least one pack of cigarettes from that time you caught some drunk guy from the bar stealing a banana. You're basically re-inventing neighborhood watch.
  3. Get out of bed, fall down immediately
    Yay you made it to the floor!
  4. Make the executive decision to go to work anyway
    Just wear all white and you will look super tan and healthy and no one will know that your insides feel like the Crypt Keeper's
  5. If you ride your bike to work, find out where it is
    After a couple of incoherent text exchanges with friends who have no idea where you left your shit and/or haven't seen you in weeks, realize that you parked it in front of the bar across the street three days ago.
  6. Smoke another cigarette
    Because that was an ordeal
  7. Ride your bike to work, it's a beautiful day!
    Or ride two blocks away from your house before turning around and going back home
  8. Take a power nap
    Some people call this 'going back to bed' but if you've already left your house once then it doesn't count
  9. Eat something
    If not, there is that beer in the fridge that you stole from the party last night
  10. Text a friend from out of town all day, constitute this as 'catching up'
    It's like passing notes and very cute. Speaking is overrated
  11. Draw pictures of grave yards
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  12. Give yourself a tattoo
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    It's for your portfolio. Your furthering your professionalism.