I DON'T TRUST GUYS WHO

  1. Don't like 30 Rock
    Half of what I say is 30 Rock; we'll never get along
  2. Are really into their PCs
    And will argue with you all the way to Disneyland that PCs are better than Macs
  3. Are DJs
    No explanation needed
  4. Are "in a band"
    You'll just get up after sex and play your bass at the foot of the bed, thinking you're awesome
  5. Leave a dinner party early to go to a club
    You'd rather dance to shitty music and have zero chance of meaningful conversation with anyone? Bye
  6. Refuse to wear a condom
    I've heard every excuse
  7. Try to shove their hands down my pants
    It means you want to say you've pleasured me to get me to blow you. I was sexually active in high school-- I know the drill
  8. Dress up as zombies for events
    It's a certain kind of fella
  9. Wear tight short-sleeved button-up shirts all the way buttoned
    Did you miss your Ryanair flight to Ibiza?
  10. Wear shorts and flip-flops in the winter
    This was my main concern when applying to colleges in California
  11. Spend a lot time on their hair
    Take care of it, shower regularly, end of list