1. I had a bad feeling about this seminar last week; a couple of the girls are American and awful
    One of them was in a seminar with me last term; I switched out because she made faces whenever anyone spoke and because she cut me off by saying, "But... What IS violence?"
  2. This week was all methodology and terminology and blah blah blah; I really didn't want to go
    I just didn't get it; can't we discuss popular politics in the Middle East without discussing what academics have said about it? It all just felt so vague and obvious to me
  3. I was told to work in a group with the what-is-violence girl to answer some question about Social Movement Theory that I didn't get at all
    I've got the definition written down, but I don't get the point of the question.
  4. So in the group I said that, because they didn't seem to have a grasp on the question or the concepts either
  5. ...And she laughed at me
    A mean laugh. And she looked to the girl beside her and said, "Um, like, I mean, it's pretty fundamental..."
  6. So I just stopped participating at all because I could feel something coming on
  7. I felt sort of disconnected and fuzzy, like I wasn't fully there. And I could feel my pulse beating in my neck faster than it ever does when I exercise
  8. I kept trying not to make eye contact with the teacher for some reason
    To say that girl's a bitch? I don't know
  9. Eventually he came over and asked if I was participating at all
    To which I said...
  10. "Absolutely not. When I said something, they laughed, and I don't see the point. It's a really terrible atmosphere."
    And I said I didn't understand why we were doing this
  11. Then I noticed I was shaking and my chest was tight, but I tried to push through it
  12. My professor was saying stuff about how sometimes we just have to work through the topics that seem boring to us
  13. And I turned to the girl next to me and said, "Actually, I switched out of a seminar last term because you were in it. You're not very nice!"
  14. I could feel myself sweating under my clothes and I didn't even feel like I was there because my thoughts were racing and I realized this was happening in front of people and I was just so embarrassed
  15. I do remember that the girl denied laughing at me, and I turned to her and said in this exaggerated American accent, "Um, like, I mean, it's pretty fundamental."
    Except I stuttered through it
  16. I don't remember much else. I tried to work a little. It was awkward
  17. I shook for awhile afterwards and felt like throwing up
  18. I kept tearing up, which was also embarrassing
  19. It's just like suddenly your body just gets away from you and malfunctions
    And words just start coming out of me and I sound crazy
  20. I've been dreading having another panic attack in class since last year (my last bad one)
    The fear and shame of it keeps me in bed; I skipped a class today because I was so upset about yesterday
  21. It's just poopy