THE STORY OF MY BIRTH
Obviously, this is secondhand knowledge, because you know, I was literally seconds old
- •My mom had preeclampsia so she knew she was going to be induced
- •But then I decided that I didn't like the date she had chosen for my birth (seriously, dec 24 mom are you kidding?), so she went into labor two weeks early
- •This was apparently a big deal. I, still technically a fetus, did not care.
- •There also happened to be a huge nor'easter that day, because that's how I roll https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/December_1992_nor'easter
- •This made things quite difficult for my parentsBecause they had to get to the hospital in a blizzard, my mom was preetttttty sure she was going to die, and I also happened to be my parents first kid so they had zero fucking idea what they were doing.
- •They got to the hospital thanks to my dad's rusty blue Toyota TacomaWhile in that truck two weeks earlier, he was pulled over by 30+ state troopers (guns drawn) and two news helicopters because he matched the physical description/car description of an on-the-loose serial killer. He (to my knowledge) has never been a serial killer.
- •After all that rushing to the hospital, I decided that, actually, I wasn't really ready to part with my warm, liquid filled home yet and put my mother through 21 hours of labor
- •Finally, at 7:26 pm, the doctor told my mom that this round of pushing would probably be the last because I seemed to be done taking my sweet ass time
- •My dad seemed unsettled by this. And then, in the most on-brand statement ever, asked: "Can we wait a couple minutes on that? I want to see what the answer is to final Jeopardy"
- •And then I was born at 7:47 pm 👶🏻(Here I am a couple months later, because (THANK GOD) there are no photos of my actual birth)