THINGS THAT MY MOTHER HAS DEEMED "UNATTRACTIVE"
I love my mother more than life itself, but sometimes her disappointment in the nuances of my personality come into conversation.
- •My penchant for drunk crying"Maggie, I honestly don't even know what you're trying to say right now because you're dry heaving into the bottle of Pinot Grigio" (this was when i emerged into the kitchen after Jon Stewart's final show)
- •My love of tequila"I really don't know how you girls enjoy this gasoline substitute"
- •When I dipped a chunk of mozzarella into queso*utterly disgusted face*
- •My senior prom dressMe: mom, I looked awful why did you let me buy it?? Mom: I told you that it looked awful when you tried it on, brought it home, and before you left the house
- •My argumentative personalityAnd then she didn't defend me when my nanny told me that "I'm too independent to ever find a husband"
- •The fact that it is physically impossible for me to participate in "never have I ever"Okay so my mom doesn't actually know this but honestly we're only one drunken game of bananagrams away from her finding it out
- •Anything having to do with "the captain" storyImagine the look of utter disgust on your mothers face when she finds out that not only did you (accidentally, I may add) hook up with a married 45 year old father of three, but that you shrug it off because "I had been drinking with someone from Belgium!!!"
- •When I sound like my dad"That sounds like something your father would say. No, that's not a good thing."
- •When she woke my friends and I up after thanksgiving eve this past yearTori did not have a shirt on, I had no pants on, the oven was still left on and the cheese @kellymm55 melted on the bottom of it was still smoking. Food surrounding us: still frozen taquitos, a mound of cocktail shrimp tails, an uneaten loaf of bread with too much garlic powder and Munster cheese melted on it, fruit salad with the strawberries picked out, a block of cheddar cheese with teeth marks, and a bottle of "the nice" Pinot Grigio. She then brought us to get bagels, because she is a saint