THINGS THAT MY MOTHER HAS DEEMED "UNATTRACTIVE"

I love my mother more than life itself, but sometimes her disappointment in the nuances of my personality come into conversation.
  1. My penchant for drunk crying
    "Maggie, I honestly don't even know what you're trying to say right now because you're dry heaving into the bottle of Pinot Grigio" (this was when i emerged into the kitchen after Jon Stewart's final show)
  2. My love of tequila
    "I really don't know how you girls enjoy this gasoline substitute"
  3. When I dipped a chunk of mozzarella into queso
    *utterly disgusted face*
  4. My senior prom dress
    Me: mom, I looked awful why did you let me buy it?? Mom: I told you that it looked awful when you tried it on, brought it home, and before you left the house
  5. My argumentative personality
    And then she didn't defend me when my nanny told me that "I'm too independent to ever find a husband"
  6. The fact that it is physically impossible for me to participate in "never have I ever"
    Okay so my mom doesn't actually know this but honestly we're only one drunken game of bananagrams away from her finding it out
  7. Anything having to do with "the captain" story
    Imagine the look of utter disgust on your mothers face when she finds out that not only did you (accidentally, I may add) hook up with a married 45 year old father of three, but that you shrug it off because "I had been drinking with someone from Belgium!!!"
  8. When I sound like my dad
    "That sounds like something your father would say. No, that's not a good thing."
  9. When she woke my friends and I up after thanksgiving eve this past year
    Tori did not have a shirt on, I had no pants on, the oven was still left on and the cheese @kellymm55 melted on the bottom of it was still smoking. Food surrounding us: still frozen taquitos, a mound of cocktail shrimp tails, an uneaten loaf of bread with too much garlic powder and Munster cheese melted on it, fruit salad with the strawberries picked out, a block of cheddar cheese with teeth marks, and a bottle of "the nice" Pinot Grigio. She then brought us to get bagels, because she is a saint