5 times mayonnaise was better than 'your boyfriend'

Paula Deen's marriage was not harmed in the compiling this list
  1. mayonnaise is thick and creamy and used to stabilize and hold things together.
    ... unlike your excuses, Todd. you're only lying to yourself!
  2. mayonnaise can be easily found, in nearly every country. literally. whoop, there it is.
    ... 28 years counting. 100's of ounces of mayonnaise consumed. still no, Dillon.
  3. it's shelf life
    that's right. I went there Rodney. mayonnaise lasts longer than 3 minutes. grow up!
  4. when combined w pickled onions and cucumbers, it gives life to Tartar Sauce
    when you mix chad with pickled onions and cucumbers you're left w high water content and a whole lotta disappointment.
  5. mayonnaise never started a touring (cleveland metro) neo garage punk band called satan's frostbite
    literally never, Tyler. not even once.