I am related to most of them and for real my family is really out there
  1. "If you must grow old, do it with a bunch of girlfriends."
  2. "Don't date public officials."
  3. "Use the Facebook more, it's really great for finding old flames from the 70s."
  4. "Work harder than all the other assholes trying to do what you want to do and you will be successful."
  5. "Dream on the inhale and write on the exhale."
  6. "Take fish oil."
    Really works wonders
  7. "Add butter to whatever you make. Add so much butter that the flavor of the original dish is drowned out. You will be the chef of your social circle."
    I was then handed a quesadilla that was made with butter instead of cheese because "nobody cares about the cheese, the butter is the best part of it".
  8. "Put your dogs above everything and everybody else."