SNIPPETS OF ESSAYS I WROTE AS A 12/13 YR OLD THAT REALLY HAD MY ENGLISH TEACHERS WORRIED/BAFFLED

12 /13 year old me was indistinguishable from an embittered 80 year old man. At a young age I think I discovered that the darkest concepts and stories produced the prettiest words
  1. Whaa? You're 12! Play with a doll or something!
    "Maybe the real problem is the existence of happiness."
  2. On the #selfiesunday trend:
    This may seem harmless, but what about a day celebrating and perpetuating our infatuation with physical appearance is harmless? Not only does this day of selfies douse young people’s narcissistic fires with gasoline, but it impairs their ability to focus on actual issues as well. We cannot expect the future leaders and inhabitants of the world to handle hunger crises, energy dependence, and climate change when all they can manage to do is stand in reflective windows and hit to camera button.
  3. Dude. Chill.
  4. How did you even know what cigarettes were??
    "Glove compartments are just black holes whose purpose is to conceal instruction manuals and cigarettes you swear to your wife you haven’t been smoking."
  5. YOU'RE 13
    "Maybe his wife would come back to him now. Maybe he would stop drinking alone on Thursdays. Maybe he would work again, in a boring office job surrounded by straightedge douchebags. Maybe. But probably not."
  6. Also I wrote my final essay on court-ordered sterilization titled 'The Future of Punishment?' but I won't even get into that. MIND YOU THIS WAS AN 8TH GRADE ENGLISH CLASS.