A Note to the Graduating Kindergarten Class of 2016

  1. You've accomplished a lot this year. Except the ability to wipe your own tush. Seriously, please work on that. It's probably why you're always complaining about your butt being itchy.
  2. Beyond popular belief, your teacher does not live at school. When you run into her at the pool, it's OK to flip out a little. Just don't ask her to wipe your tush for you when you see her in the changing room.
  3. This summer is a good stopping point for no longer taking a bath with your opposite-gender sibling. Just saying, you don't want a memory of that.
  4. We are sorry that you're expected to be reading chapter books and doing trig by now. It's not fair, especially when your parents were mastering tracing letters at this point in their education.
    By the way, your parents did know how to wipe their tushes at this point.
  5. But, we are trying to compete with other countries whose toddlers are programming the iPad games you're obsessed with. Obviously, you've got a little catching up to do.
  6. Over the summer, you will lose 50% of what you've learned during kindergarten. So stop bitching about those worksheets mommy wants you to do every day before camp or first grade is going to suck balls.
  7. Speaking of which, you'll probably learn the term "suck balls" from your older brother this summer that he'll learn from sleep away camp. Do not repeat the bad words you hear. He's going to bring back an entire dictionary of cursing... And a bad case of head lice.
  8. Good luck future first grader. And remember keep on wiping!