The Art of Branding My Children

  1. Having a family is like running a company and my kids are the different product lines.
  2. I may have wished we could recall certain "products" because they're a public safety hazard.
  3. But then I've realized their faulty wiring and tendencies to leak fluids and spontaneously combust are just normal wear and tear.
  4. Keep in mind, my manufacturing plant is not responsible. It's all a design defect I blame on the co-owner.
  5. When you have your first kid, think long and hard about your first borns' name. You're establishing your brand and all other products must follow suit to match.
  6. My yuppie/hipster neighbors named their kids Dasani, Evian, and Perrier. Their brand... Pretentious Water.
  7. My buddy Carl named his kids Krystal, Wendy, and Carl Jr. They're going for E. coli Chic.
  8. My kids' names are Ruby, Oscar, and Murray. Our brand is Jewish Old Age Home.
  9. We've done a good job of staying on brand. There's a lot of kvetching, requests for tush wiping, and no one seems to hear anything we say.