THINGS I'VE LEARNED AS A PRINCESS

On top of my job at the CrossFit gym, I also work weekends dressing up as various princesses and chillin with girls at their birthday parties. Here's what I've learned from it.
  1. They will believe anything you tell them.
    Once the wig is on, anything is game. My prince can be anywhere from sailing his pirate ship in Malibu to climbing Mt. Everest with Flounder strapped to his back in a fish bowl. Literally will believe anything.
  2. But let Ariel's feet show from underneath her fin and the gig is up.
    I have never seen such terror come from a girl's face when she saw my (really trendy actually) T-strap character shoes.
  3. They will care about their cake more than you.
  4. They will also care about their bouncy castle more than you.
  5. It's okay to wonder why you're there.
    "Parent, why did you order me if your child is obviously more interested in playing in the sand than frolicing around with me?" Either way I still get the check.
  6. You gotta let the Birthday Girl shine.
    No one is going to want to take a picture of just you, despite how amazing and beautiful you look in your costume. Find time to take those pics elsewhere.
  7. If you're playing Ariel tomorrow, maybe don't eat half a dozen donuts tonight.
  8. Don't pick your nose while driving to the party.
    Even the safety of my car will not prevent people from noticing me. If a girl passing by on the freeway notices Queen Elsa picking her nose, she will be traumatized for life. Also, her mom is now incapable of ever winning the argument about not picking noses. Because little Katie just saw the fucking Queen of Arendelle do it.
  9. Don't have road rage
    You're non-threatening enough as it is, Mal. Throw on a platinum blonde wig and a sparkly blue cape and you see who will take that honk seriously. I dare you.