TIMES I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED

these are all about food or shopping
  1. when the UPS man drops off multiple packages on the same day
    these were all on sale, sir. i basically made money on these transactions.
  2. when i receive an email from a website i've been browsing with the very items i'm being tempted by
    i realize this is some kind of SEO sorcery but can you stop enabling an addict? how do you sleep at night? on piles of money? oh.
  3. when i order an iced coffee in the wintertime and the barista looks at me like i'm crazy
    i just like it better cold! we drink all kinds of cold bevs in the winter! or is that diet coke you're drinking under the counter heated? carry on.
  4. when i get takeout and there's multiple sets of silverware in the bag.
    this is all for me. party of one. thanks
  5. when i order my latte with stevia and they say, "you sure you don't want skim milk instead of whole?"
    i get the reasoning, but, MODERATION. also, if i wanted to drink some watery bullshit i would buy a $5 smart water like the idiot that i am. it has electrolytes.
  6. when i ask for a blueberry vodka and water at the bar and the bartender repeats it back to me like i'm unaware of what i just asked for
    so...vodka. and plain water. you mean soda water? no, i mean plain water. sounds terrible. just trust me. get it with a slice of lime. you'll never get another drink again.