DEAR PERSON I KINDA SORTA KNOW - SORRY I DIDN'T SAY HI, BUT...
There's a gigantic subset of people I've met IRL several times and am friends with on social media - and like! - but aren't my close friends. I see them around town and panic.
- •You were with your baby. I've seen you and the baby on Facebook, I know it's your baby, but it's not like you've introduced me to your baby so is it super creepy to go over and be like OMG IS THIS OLIVIA?!Yes. It is. But at the same time you put the pictures all over social media so is it me being creepy to recognize them or is it weirder to pretend like I don't check that shit multiple times a day (fewer now that ListApp is my #1 Crush).
- •I'm wearing sweatpants and you look like you stepped out of a J Crew catalog and WTF is that about we're at Ralph's but it's easier to sneak away unseen than have you judge my slovenliness.Because I'm judging my own slovenliness, of course you would too.
- •We've hung out several times in small groups due to sharing mutual friends, but you're an actor on a TV show so if I go up to you and you don't remember me it looks like I'm a starfucker when really I KNOW YOU AND AM A NICE PERSON WHO JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.I actually feel a little sad for people who maybe don't get said hi to because of this effect. It's like reverse paparazzi?
- •We're having dinner at the same restaurant but are seated kind of far away so if I go over it's kind of a whole production.Especially if you don't remember me. Most of this list is based on the fear that people I don't see on a daily basis will forget who I am, which clearly I should discuss with my therapist:
- •We made out one time.And now you're with your significant other and so am I and we're both happy and maybe it's not weird to introduce everyone but there's gonna be that moment when @bonifaceviii is like "how do you know him?" and I'm not going to lie and the same's gonna happen on your end and maybe your wife is the jealous type so maybe we just avoid the whole thing.
- •We used to work together.You're a writer I developed a project with. You did a great job and all went well until my old boss (pick one of the many) lost interest or torpedoed it in a meeting with an offhand comment that made the studio lose interest or the studio decided they wouldn't do it unless we could get (insert name of one of 5 A-list people who are in no way available or interested) and then we meant to keep in touch but life happened and now I hope you don't hate me because I did my best but I'm not sure?
- •We used to work together - version 2.You're someone I worked with who dropped the ball in a major way and made me look bad. I'm over it, but not over it enough that I want to make awkward small talk in the food truck line.
- •I don't actually know you.You're a friend of a friend who's giving duckface in all her social media posts or you're someone who was on Survivor ten years ago or you're the guy who broke my friend's heart and we've never actually met and thank god I realized this before I waved at you.
- •Post Script to this list: if you are a listapper and you see me and recognize me from my teensy photo or because I'm loudly discussing loving Survivor and Tracy Anderson and whatever else COME SAY HI I WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND IT WILL BE AWESOME AND NOT WEIRD.In return, I'll try to get over my self-consciousness and do the same to you. Deal?