HOW WE MET: THE ALTERNATE VERSIONS
Stephen Hawking exploded tween hearts by explaining that if there's a multiverse, there's certainly a reality that exists in which you are married to Zayn from One Direction. Here - in celebration of my imminent bachelorette party - are some ways that @bonifaceviii and I met in various dimensions. Sometimes it worked out better than others.
- •I had a cute pink bow. You were casual. We were both being chased through a maze by ghosts. After two rounds I caught your eye and we shared a kiss. You tasted like cherries and strawberries.The ghosts were not amused. We still like running from them: great cardio and helps our fun competitive vibe.
- •I was a rich girl betrothed to a guy even Ben Stiller thinks is a d-bag. You were the lower-class scamp I met on the cruise with big dreams and a skill for sketching. When the boat went down, we ended up on a floating door.And I made you stay on it with me because Mythbusters tested that shit and it would've been totally fine.
- •You were my ex-stepbrother who, despite being an uptight college hipster who must have had a dorm or off-campus housing or something but who constantly hung around my house and scammed on my new friend. We bickered all the time but I could tell you liked my style and knew I wasn't the dumb blonde you pretended I was. We kissed on the staircase.And totally didn't break up when I went to college and discovered you were just one of a jillion faux-deep dudes I could date. Right? Well, maybe we reconnected when I was home for my high school reunion and you were still scrounging around in my dad's kitchen like a weirdo. On second thought, nope.
- •I was pretending to be my twin sister at the Dairi Burger because my rich BFF said she'd pay for dinner if I did. You were handsome and smart and somehow couldn't tell me apart from your actual girlfriend, my sister - I mean even though we're twins how do you not know, you doofus? - so I went with it.This was not the last time it happened. I think you secretly knew. Gross.
- •We were in Paris, and the pianist in the bar started playing "As Time Goes By." I looked at you and I think time actually stopped. You bought me one, two, three drinks and we kissed like the world was ending because, honestly, it might have been. We planned to flee the city together but I never showed...Because it turned out my dead husband totally wasn't dead (oops). Next time I saw you I was with my husband, desperate to get him to safety, and pleading for your help, which was kind of a dick move considering I hadn't written or called to explain why I just TOTALLY VANISHED ON YOU. My bad. We'll always have Paris?
- •We had drinks by the pool. You wore a tie. This is the real version.And my favorite.