PEOPLE NAMED SUSAN THE RANDOM DUDE NEXT TO ME AT THE BAR MIGHT BE FURIOUSLY TEXTING

Seriously, he is on a tear. Like 100000 wpm (that's a scientific estimate). All I can see is "Susan" without looking like a total lookieloo (rather than just a partial one)
  1. His wife Susan
    He just found out she's leaving him for her best friend...Laura. He dated Laura before he met Susan so it's extra awkward for everyone.
  2. His assistant Susan
    AMY PASCAL LEFT SONY AND I'M THE LAST TO KNOW?! SERIOUSLY, SUSAN, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU SENT ME TO BEVERLY BLVD INSTEAD OF BEVERLY DRIVE!
  3. His mother, who is listed as Susan rather than Mom in his phone
    She's trying to feel younger now that she's a grandma so changed it for him. She also set her ring tone (for when she calls him) to Katy Perry's "Roar," but is considering changing it post Super Bowl to something "a little less played out." Our guy just discovered the Roar thing and is angry because #teamtaylor, obvi.
  4. Susan, the escort he's meeting at the Andaz hotel after one more glass of wine
    He has...particular tastes...and hopes that for 1K a night she won't think he's too weird or write a bad review of him in whatever private form hookers discuss their Johns (because you know there totally is one).
  5. Susan B Anthony
    I don't know his life, maybe he's a medium who's really into women's suffrage.