THE PINA COLADA SONG: MOST DEPRESSING SONG EVER? LET'S TAKE A LOOK...
As threatened in my Disneyland list, a deep dive into this Rupert Holmes classic.
- •I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long/Like a worn out recording of a favorite song/So while she lay there sleepin' I read the paper in bed/And in the personal columns, there was this letter I readWell, not a good start. Our narrator is over his long-term relationship and rather than being proactive and either trying to spice things up or, you know, call it a day, he's perusing the personals WHILE NEXT TO HER IN BED. This is not 💯.
- •If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain/If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain/If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape/Then I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me and escape.Pretty good personal ad. The advertiser has a good mix of humor and honesty, with some sexiness and adventure thrown in. I can see why the narrator is intrigued. But surely it's just a fantasy, he'd never act on his curiosity, right? Wrong.
- •I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean/But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old routineYeah, dude, that IS really mean. If you're this dismissive of her, break up! And if it's just that things have gotten stale, spice things up in the bedroom! Or go to therapy! Or take a vacation! YOU HAVE OPTIONS OTHER THAN CHEATING WITH A STRANGER WHO PUT A FUCKING AD IN THE PAPER! Also, the extra syllables in the second line here drive me insane. Do better, Rupert!
- •So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad/And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half badI'm confused: why did he take out his own ad rather than reply to the ad that intrigued him? Seems like a kind of oblique way to get her attention...unless he was thinking with his own ad he could get a quorum of women who like piña coladas and etc - diversify his cheating portfolio or whatever.
- •Yes I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain/I'm not much into health food, I am into champagneThe only reason this isn't half-bad IS THAT YOU RIPPED IT OFF FROM HER. You didn't write this yourself, you took her ad and changed some shit.
- •I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon and cut through all this red tape/At a bar called O'Malley's where we'll plan our escapeThe red tape reference is really odd. The red tape of placing personal ads? You're the one who made it weird by not replying to her ad directly, now you want to cut to the chase? Make up your mind! Also, you're inviting her to a bar? At least pick a Mexican spot where you know the piña coladas will be good - I don't know if a bar called O'Malley's has their blended cocktail game down.
- •So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place/I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face/It was my own lovely lady and she said "aw, it's you"/Then we laughed for a moment and I said "I never knew"He doesn't seem surprised, which is interesting. And neither of them seem mad. Like, if this were an 80s sitcom, right now would be the "you were gonna cheat?" "Well you were gonna cheat too!" scene, but they cut right to "ah, aren't we adorable." I wish we could get a better sense of the intended inflection on "aw, it's you" - the way Holmes sings it is very matter-of-fact. Not disappointed, not angry, just like "oh, sure."
- •That you like piña coladas...etcHOW COME HE NEVER INVITED HER OUT FOR PIÑA COLADAS? Or champagne? Or tried for some sweet sweet dune lovin at midnight? I feel like this relationship was very perfunctory until this whole personal ad fiasco brought them closer.
- •However, I have another theory... What if this is the role playing game these two are into? They place random personal ads and meet up, knowing all along who will be there.That explains the two ads placed in the paper (instead of a reply only the recipient would see) - more thrilling to keep things public - and the lack of surprise and anger at the actual meeting.
- •Unfortunately, I'm not sure my reading was the authorial intent of the song. I think he wrote and sang a song about two cheaters who deserve each other.Every trash can has a lid.
- •But I'm gonna keep thinking about it my way because I am both a hopeless overthinker and an incurable optimist.Come with me...and escape!