WAYS MY COVER WOULD BE BLOWN IF I WERE IN A "THE AMERICANS" SITUATION 📂
(Happy draft week! This was a draft that I wanted to add more to, but, you know, life. Great idea @john!) Elizabeth & Philip on The Americans make being Russian spies in Reagan-era America look easy. They're able to zip around on covert missions and still be home in time for family dinners (well, mostly). I would be utter shit at this. Here's why:
- •I suck at disguises.Did they take some kind of hair and makeup class in Mother Russia that instructed them how to put on wigs and facial prosthetics in a way that they would not only look totally realistic but also never come off, like not even during a heated chase or, er, the heat of the moment (SEX I MEAN SEX THEY HAVE A LOT OF IT)? Any spy getup I attempted to put on would just make me look like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle, or a third-rate Carmen Amal Clooney Sandiego (shoutout to @carlyewisel).
- •Accents? Also suck at those.Elizabeth can whip out a Southern drawl at the drop of a hat. Oh, and let's not forget that they've both completely dropped any hint of the Russian accents they grew up with. (Not sure at what age they started learning English, but regardless it's impressive.) When I attempt an accent I sound like Eliza Doolittle or Pepe LePew. It'd be sad if it weren't so funny.
- •Sex with gross people.Some of the dudes Elizabeth has to seduce are seriously gnarly. Not sure I could stomach this.
- •Sex with people who could kill you.Sometimes one of the superspy mission hookups turns into a full-on brawl, usually when the mark realizes Elizabeth isn't in it for the nookie. The idea of going from faking ecstasy with some idiot to defending my life just feels exhausting, I feel like I'd be all "okay, you got me, let's talk plea deal?"
- •Your partner is also having sex with gross people, some of whom could kill him.One of the most excruciating scenes in season 2 is when Martha tells Elizabeth, who's in disguise as Clark's sister, all about the sex they have and what an animal he is. She manages to keep her cool (barely), but I probably would have just throttled the bitch. STEP OFF MY MAN, LADY!
- •Any time someone mentioned "the mail robot" I would laugh and that would for sure out me as a spy because real Americans act like there's nothing insane about a giant Dr Who-esque machine trundling around the halls of a top secret office.That mail robot brings me a lot of joy.