THE 6 PEOPLE YOU MEET IN LINE AT THE BATHROOM
This isn’t just any line, it’s one made up of several personality types. Some of them you hate, others you don’t but regardless of personal affinities, you’re all sisters in the universal gotta-go dance.
- •The Do-GooderMeet the Mother Theresa of bar bathroom lines. She compliments everyone, shares her beauty products with those in need and if she spots a stranger with half-mast eyes buckled over the toilet, she’ll nurse her back to health. You likely posted a Snapchat of you and the Do-Gooder, too (don’t worry, you’ll discover it in the morning) because for a brief moment, you two were bathroom bffs. One question remains: where are all of her friends?
- •The Bathroom MobThese girls clog the toilet in more ways than one. They’re the sole reason the line keeps growing yet never moves and they seem completely unaware that outside the safety of the door waits a stretch of full-bladdered enemies. You can also thank them for the lack of TP — viva la drip-dry. Anti-squad goals.
- •The "This is My Song!" GirlThe raver standing in front of you has shrieked about missing “her song” for too many tracks to count. Zedd just moved her to tears of joy and everyone knows that she knows exactly when the bass drops. When her undying love for dancing to “Summertime Sadness" triumphs over her urge to pee, thus moving you up a spot, she's suddenly your favorite person in the bar.
- •The Up-DownerThis girl is NOT here to make friends. Every muscle in her body is clenched while she stares others up and down. It’s strategic: she’s distracting herself from the pain of holding it in by judging everyone’s ensembles. She also plainly discloses that there isn’t a soul in line who isn’t on her shit list. You cut her some slack, though, because there’s obviously something up her ass.
- •The Queue CutterIf anyone is worse than the Up-Downer, it’s she who coyly cuts the line. It’s not only a violation of Girl Code, it’s a violation of Human Code. And she knows it. She’ll play dumb when called out and has zero regard for the girl about to puke. But guess what: no one’s passing her toilet paper should she run out.
- •The Girl Who Cried Cracked ScreenNothing will calm her down. She’s SOBBING. Initially, you feel bad for her, but then you see her screen is still functional and hear her friend say, “You can use my iPhone 3 until your upgrade next week!” General rule of thumb: if it isn’t tragic, save it for the open space at the bar. If it involves a run-in with the ex, give her the been-there benefit of the doubt.
- •BONUS: The Men's RoomThe single-stall toilet among a row of urinals can save you under dire circumstances. Treat it like you’re a spy: sneak in quickly, keep your head down, pee and get out. The men’s room can be your best friend in the world if properly executed. Pro tip: find The Do-Gooder, have her watch the door.