THE THOUGHT PROCESS OF LEAVING AN OLD JOB AND STARTING A NEW ONE

  1. 1.
    Am I really about to send in my acceptance for a brand new job offer? Despite the fact that I’m only JUST starting to feel settled at my current job?
  2. 2.
    I’m definitely not a fan of change. That’s why I eat the same thing for breakfast every day. It’s called consistency, and it’s sexier than Ryan Reynold’s left glute.
  3. 3.
    But progress is impossible without change, right? I think George Bernard Shaw said that. Or maybe a Snapple cap.
  4. 4.
    Look out, world. I’m leaning the fuq in.
  5. 5.
    I give my two weeks notice the next day. Contrary to what I expect, no one cries or gets mad at me. Why? Because it’s a professional workplace, not the set of a David O. Russell film.
  6. 6.
    My armpits are uncomfortably moist. Yes, moist. I go to Duane Reade to buy deodorant. And pretzel M&Ms.
  7. 7.
    They say time flies when you’re having fun, but time also flies when you only have 14 days to wrap up loose ends, transition your entire workload, purge your laptop of personal files, conduct an exit interview, answer emails and explain why you’re leaving to every coworker you end up washing your hands next to in the bathroom.
  8. 8.
    Finally, my first day at the new job. I arrive half an hour early to grab a bite to eat at a nearby Pret a Manger, because it’s still way too soon for my new colleagues to find out what it sounds like when I chew. That can wait until lunch. Unless I get fired before then!
  9. 9.
    I arrive at the office a few minutes before the designated time. (That’s how you convey “World’s Best Employee” vibes without writing it on a mug).
  10. 10.
    By the end of the day, all I want to do is take off my clothes and call my mom and take a shower and eat a cookie and fall asleep to the lullaby of Rory Gilmore’s voice. Ya know?
  11. 11.
    But as I close my laptop and start packing up my bag, it occurs to me with the ding! of a mental Hallmark card that I should probably take a moment to appreciate the fact that I did it.