I wrote this shortly before handing in my notice at my last office job 8 years ago but couldn't post it publicly. Please let me be self-employed forevermore.
  1. Prides herself on always being the first in the team to leave the office. Can arrive on time if specifically requested (requires co-operation from bus company)
  2. Always interested in learning new skills and how these skills can be used to improve non-work projects
  3. Enviable multi-tasking skills – ability to juggle between RSS feeds, blogging, multiple msn conversations, 3 email accounts, 2 web browsers and some form of work is unsurpassed.
  4. Abilities in finding endless ‘woman with laptop’ photos to illustrate web hosting packages.
  5. Above average (in this company) understanding of customer care. Has been known to think of how things will affect customers at least once a month.
  6. Diligent in storing pertinent emails from management that will point blame in the correct places once disaster inevitably occurs
  7. Excellent skills in spotting copyrighted images and working out time consuming ways to remove them from thousands of customer sites.
  8. Abilities in brightening up the workplace with stuffed animals, incessant mail packages of kawaii from far-flung places, home baking and entertaining tales of bus woe.
  9. Able to drag a task out for extreme lengths of time.
  10. Enjoys reclaiming vintage websites and advertising banners from the depths of the company memory and making them less nonsensical and rubbish.
  11. File organisational skills bordering on obsessive.
  12. Long practiced skills in vending machine operation
  13. Repeated winner of ‘Fastest Google Searcher’ award
  14. Highly deluded ability in always voting for Godzilla in team sweepstakes, regardless of subject. Convinced Godzilla will one day invade the pitch at a major Scottish football match
  15. Happy to eat the leftover orange cremes in any tin of Roses available