HOW TO PRETEND TO KNOW ABOUT WINE AT PARTIES

  1. Be the very first person to critique wine at the event.
    This power move will intimidate your guests, and will establish you as the most knowledgable wine taster at the party. Now that you have prompted them to do so, guests will also begin critiquing the wine; but after every statement they make, they will look to you to confirm their comments validity. They'll be putty in your wine glass holding hands.
  2. Now that your have asserted your wine knowledge, comment on how the wine pairs with the meal.
    A nice cheese or bruschetta will do the trick, but this tip is not limited to fancy parties. Just because your dinner consisted of alternating spoonfuls of peanut butter and Nutella, does not mean you can't find a wine to pair, nor does it discredit your wine tasting abilities.
  3. If you don't know which winery the bottle came from, make up a Spanish sounding ranch.
    When I'm at a loss for words, I'll often use any elementary school in the PAUSD district. For example, "I believe this Merlot is from the fields of El Carmelo, in northern Napa."
  4. Do something bizarre with your glass of wine and have an explanation for doing so.
    Your unusual action will leave guests mystified and inquisitive. Tell the party goers that it is part of a long standing tradition from your upsetting family history. For example, "My mother did this every time my father went out with his 'golfing friend,'" or "My great great great grandfather would do this after 'transactions' with native Americans during The Trail of Tears."