I'm alive

presenting: the last 12ish hours of my life and some thoughts and confusion. there are a lot of words here, so please don't feel obligated to read this word vomit. my brain is struggling to process a lot of things rn.
  1. 12ish hours ago, I was going to bed after a good, full day of life
  2. I had gotten up Saturday morning and cleaned/organized my room and eaten some chocolate chip waffles
  3. I had driven in my sister's car from College Station (where I go to school) to Fort Worth (where my family lives) to give my sister back her car and pick up mine that had been in the shop
  4. I had played board games all afternoon with two of my best friends from highschool, so my heart was full
  5. I had gone to my grandparents' house to watch the baseball game with them and talk about life with my grandmother, so somehow my heart was fuller than full
  6. I came home, said hi to my sister, hugged my parents, snuggled w my dog, and fell asleep
  7. This morning, I got up at 8:00, loaded up my car w stuff I needed to take back to College Station with me, had my dad help me put my new TAMU sticker on my car, and got on the road by 9:00
  8. My dad told me that before I got up, he took my car to go put gas in it for me because he's the best. When he did, the seat belt contraption in the drivers seat fell apart. Being the handy dude my dad is, he fixed the seat belt and made extra sure it was working.
  9. So anyway, I was driving down I-35 headed south this morning shortly after 9:00
  10. I was listening to Coloring Book
  11. I noticed myself getting drowsy, so I got some gum out of my backpack
  12. I reached to throw the wrapper away in the little trash bag I keep in my car
  13. I looked down for a split second to make sure the wrapper made it in the trash
  14. I heard/felt the rumble strips, and knew I was veering into the shoulder
  15. so I looked up and turned the steering wheel slightly back the other direction
  16. but apparently it wasn't so "slightly"
  17. I lost control of the car and started fishtailing
  18. the car went into the median between me and the oncoming traffic headed north,
  19. it spun a couple times up against the cable wiring in the center of the median and turned up on its side, before coming to a stop and falling back to upright position
  20. and I'm alive.
  21. besides being covered in glass, bruises, minor cuts, and one weird burn, I was completely unharmed.
  22. because my dad fixed my seatbelt this morning, because God spared me for some reason, because those median cables are made to withstand the force of a 18wheeler, I'm okay.
  23. My dad picked me up and I came back home. I went to the fridge to get some water to take ibuprofen with, simultaneously opening the list app
    planning on making a list complaining about my totaled car that I got two weeks ago and the fact that I would be spending the next couple hours picking glass out of my arms and hair/scalp
  24. and then I saw a list about Orlando.
  25. I hadn't heard the news yet.
  26. my heart stopped and I sat down and read the lists
  27. I went online and read the news articles that explained more what happened
  28. and when I thought I had cried myself out of tears on the side of the highway earlier, I burst into tears
  29. I felt so selfish for being so ready to complain about the fact that I survived a car accident!!!!
  30. but mostly, I was so full of anger at the atrocities I had just read about
  31. my blood was boiling
  32. how has there been ANOTHER shooting
  33. how
  34. how was I alive and 50 innocent people had died
  35. people who weren't driving semirecklessly like yours truly
  36. people who just went to a club one night to have a good time
  37. I'M ALIVE? AND THEY'RE NOT????
  38. I can't make any sense of anything right now
  39. my family still has me to hug and comfort and tell me how glad they are that I'm okay
  40. 50 families in Florida don't have that luxury any more
  41. so while I'm so grateful to be alive and well right now,
  42. my heart is breaking
  43. and I don't know what to do about it