Chapter Titles of the Memoir I'm Not Writing

  1. Never get your haircut in Arkansas
  2. Financed by a pharmacist, abandoned by a seamstress
  3. Macaroni and cheese is a gateway food
  4. I think a priest just tried to kiss me
  5. Aca-scuse me? Rival groups unaccompanied by musical instruments
  6. Drinking coffee with my mom and her illicit paramour
  7. This teddy bear? No he's just for me.
    Tales of Internet dates I've been on.
  8. Losing 60 pounds in a year isn't easy
  9. Goodbye Felicia and hello Chicago
  10. Vampires, commitment and failure
    Things I'm afraid of
  11. I'm sorry I'm not sorry (but I'm probably a little sorry)