THINGS I'VE SAID TO MY MOTHER

Too bad you can't say these things to your mom since she's not as cool as mine
  1. Turn around and look casual, I'm taking a picture. I SAID LOOK CASUAL, YOU IDIOT
  2. Hey, Swampy, what's good?
  3. I'm not going to like your Instagram, 39 is plenty
  4. I don't want to listen the birds chirping I WANNA LISTEN TO AUDRA MACDONALD SING THE STARS AND MOON. GOD.
  5. *when asked what I thought of her latest painting* Looks like a golf course
  6. *when asked what I thought of another painting* Looks like a vagina
  7. MOoommm, GET IN HERE, MY TOAST IS READY!
  8. Why are you laughing so hard at this live broadcast of a Carly Simon concert?