1. Twitter (locked alt account)
    Never fucking request my alt.
  2. Peach
    Time for my Twitter mutuals and I to post cuddly nudes and talk about how much we love each other.
  3. Twitter (public)
    Like the fun parts of Twitter, but with men who can see what I write despite living in swamps with no internet access.
  4. Instagram
    I don't have enough over the knee boot looks or Instagram followers!!!!!!!!
  5. Facebook
    Who are you and when did you get married and change your name and is there anything I can do to stem the tide of strangers that threatens to engulf me with alienation the second I log on
  6. Leaving messages for my Hollywood Hills neighbors in my wi-fi network name
  7. Tumblr
  8. Opening my window and calling to the neighbors on the street like Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Day
  9. My fellow inmates yelling at me from their respective cells when I was in juvi for a weekend in high school
    One night we watched What Lies Beneath, which was also pretty scary.
  10. LinkedIn
    I have not opened LinkedIn in 18 months and fearfully delete all emails from the service.
  11. LIST APP
    Perhaps one day I'll be able to use my clumsy arms to craft simple tools and join civilization on list app