Various reasons I'm bad at dating
I've been called the dude when it comes to relationships, probably given my fluency in emotional detachment. Please, take a seat with my inner psychologist. She's really bad at this whole confidentiality thing.
- •I'm busyYou could say I keep myself busy for a reason - work keeps me from thinking about real things in life. It's how I cope - my mind is only aware I'm alone about 10% of the time. Healthy? Probably not. Effective? 90% of the time.
- •I'm scaredOf intimacy, of rejection, of being found out that I'm scared in the first place. I like to be good at what I do. Relationships are a big unknown, namely because you're putting a lot of your emotions into someone else's hands. It's terrifying.
- •I'm insecureAbout my body, about my thoughts, about what I want - regular life stuff that's just hitting on fear again. We all want to be accepted, unconditionally, yet were primed from such a young age that everything comes with conditions. Life is so #complex.
- •Constant texting annoys meAll of my friends were primed early on that I may not text them back, and it's not because I hate them. And if I have more than a sentence to say, I will call. I've never been glued to my phone, I was one of the last people I know who got a smartphone, and if you text me throughout the day about how my day is going, I will grow to resent you. Tell me about it over a drink later, dummy millennial.
- •I enjoy my own companyI'm an extroverted introvert, which means that I love people, but I need my alone time in order to not murder everyone around me. I prefer walking outside, sans headphones, just to have free space to think and be. I drift off a lot - my dad used to call me 'Space Cadet' and I made a cartoon about it. My mind is an interesting and fun place that I tend to enjoy - I don't want to be with someone else all the time.
- •I'm still figuring myself outThat said, I'm still figuring out who I am, and I honestly want to have that sorted before I find my person. I've seen too many friends who move from relationship to relationship simply because they don't know who they are without one. My psyche may have its issues, but that is also not ok.
- •I refuse to settleI'm picky about everything in life, and I won't settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. While I may be picky, I am fair. I will not try to change you. I may tell you what I would like to change, but I will not try to make someone something they are not. And if that thing is a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker, and I'm done.
- •I don't know what I wantI have a few personal experiences, but mostly what I see as 'ideal relationships' are modeled by the world around me. I know I don't want to text all the time, but also if the right person comes along, maybe I will want to text that person all the time. I don't know. I'm closer to figuring out my life with each day, and I just haven't hit on that day that shows me first-hand what a healthy romantic relationship will look like for me. Time will tell.