Thoughts for 26 year old me on 2/23/13.
  1. It doesn't really get easier.
    You feel like you should have it together more after 3 years, but you spend all day at your desk pretending you're not crying.
  2. And you'll equally hate it's been 3 years.
    That feels way too long to still be this devastated.
  3. Because if it's better, it's ok it happened.
    And you're still very angry she got dealt that hand. And very sad in a way you still don't know how to cope with.
  4. The people who understand the most can be the hardest to go to.
    Calling my dad crying would just make the anniversary of him losing his wife and love of his life harder too.
  5. And the ones you can go to still don't know what to say to you.
    But you're really so very lucky so many try.
  6. You miss her more on other days.
    And you don't understand why an anniversary would make your crumble, but it does.
  7. But now you've become really scared you're forgetting her and hope you're missing her enough.
    You'll never forget her- but the things that are so her you're worried about. So you buy her perfume and the citrus origins lotion she loved and listen to home videos to hear her voice.
  8. But, there's really nothing else to do.
  9. So you'll do what you've done for years.
    Cry, listen to your playlist of Florence and the machine and long journey, drink wine, and go to bed.
  10. And you wake up and go forward
    Because she'd be so proud of what you've done professionally.
  11. With strength and grace
    If you act like both maybe you'll become both
  12. And hope there's a chance you'll meet again
    Because there's so much to catch her up on
  13. And hope that when you do you'll have access to google drive
    Since you've written a list of topics over the past 3 years just in case.
  14. Because what else is there to do?
  15. ABK 2.23.13