CRYING AT WORK: THE PROCESS

  1. The beginning
    You feel your eyes well against your wishes. You stop paying attention to what people are saying to you and start willing the tears away. You start speaking slowly because it is very hard to speak words when you are concentrating on not embarrassing yourself professionally.
  2. Tears are persistent sons of bitches
    You can't stop them once they start
  3. Oh wait you stopped them and now just your nose is runny
    Can you play off that this is a cold?
  4. Wow you have a really runny nose.
    Are people noticing
  5. You think it's over
  6. A third party says something harsh to you.
    FULL ON WATER WORKS
  7. Well, fuck this shit.
    Was the tone of the comment unnecessary? Yes. Are the amount of tears way more unnecessary. YES. What the fuck tear ducts!
  8. Breathe deeply, grab your necessities and head to the bathroom
    Along the way think about all the articles you've read about women crying in bathrooms and feel even worse about yourself. Would I survive at Martha Stewart Living?
  9. Run to the stall
    You picked the big bathroom where traffic is higher. More people to go in an out. More distractions.
  10. Concentrate on not making noise while tears stream and snot pours
  11. Open your computer and gchat the person who needs to make the changes that cause the other person to yell at you
  12. Also gchat your best friend to update them (they thought you beat the tears the first time)
    They offer to come meet you. Ask them to meet you in exactly five minutes with face wipes. You then have minutes to recover.
  13. Can people hear you typing?
  14. Wipe your nose. Realize that wasn't enough. Blow your nose.
    Signature nose blowing of someone crying. Cover has been blown. (Pun intended.)
  15. Wait, is it over?
  16. Nope.
    Fuck this.
  17. Your next meeting starts in 6 minutes. What are the chances you can call your sudden change in skin tone a break out of rosacea?
  18. It's over. Emerge from the stall.
  19. Use the company mouth wash.
    You can blame your red face on the harshness of Listerine. Accidentally swallow Listerine (NOT recommended).
  20. Your best friend brings you face wipes from your desk
  21. You use face wipes.
  22. Face smells good. Face looks worse.
  23. Maybe fanning yourself will help?
  24. Decide you are fine. Leave.
  25. Get out of meeting you are late for because you have too much work.
    You do. That's why the tears started.
  26. Boss asks if you are okay.
    Shit. Lie. Say yes.
  27. Make a list because other listers say making lists is therapeutic.
    It is.