Because you don't know me

I don't really know what to say but I know it's easier because you do t know me. Throwing this list out into the abyss.
  1. My name is Mary.
  2. I am 20 years old
  3. I was born and raised in Southern California
  4. Now I am a junior in college in a mid sized city in the Midwest.
  5. I have been struggling for a while.
  6. I've always been an anxious person who needs constant structure
    I crave routine and stability and all the aspects that accompany a schedule.
  7. My parents divorced when I was very young and the routine of packing my life into a duffel bag every week has been the biggest impact on me.
    It wasn't until I had a dorm room in college that I finally had one home with all my stuff.
  8. I've always been an outgoing and social person.
    My mom jokes that I never played sick to get out of school bc I just wanted to see and be with people and it would me feel better.
  9. Humor and comedy is something that has been the one constant in my life. Making people laugh is easily my greatest gift (without sounding cocky)
    I was voted best sense of humor in high school . I would write stand up comedy routines and perform them for friends and family. I briefly had a vlog about funny things in my life.
  10. But it wasn't until high school that I realized something was off.
  11. I would come home from school and disengage and analyze my entire day.
  12. My senior year I undershot my colleges and only applied to schools I know I could get into.
    Something I only realized having gathered all my acceptance letters and noticed that I didn't want to attend any of these colleges.
  13. My mom eventually got so fed up with my indecision that on May 1st the deadline to enroll in college she just sent a deposit to the school she thought would be best for me
  14. And it worked.
    My freshman year was rough. I wasn't known as the funny girl anymore and had to make make my mark all over again but it worked.
  15. Fast forward to sophomore year of college
    I was taking the max course load, working 20+ hours a week off campus and trying to be an active member in my sorority while deciding whether or not I wanted to switch my major
  16. I ended up switching my major and needing to take a summer physics class.
    8 intense weeks doing nothing but eating sleeping working and studying. It took its toll in a major way
  17. I hadn't recovered from the sleep deprived, anxiety inducing cluster fuck that was my sophomore year.
    I was actually adulting for the first time in my life. Working, school, trying to find a place to live for the summer, moving out of my dorm, paying rent, traveling for graduations, not going home hardly at all.
  18. It was tough but I did was I always did and I pushed it deep down inside where I buried my parents divorce and my insecurities and family issues and all that fun broken stuff.
  19. This year I started a new job on campus. I am a resident advisor in a freshman dorm.
  20. It's hard because the job is so based on being present on the floor and in your residents lives but I also need to study very hard because I'm applying to medical school soon.
  21. And lately I feel like I could burst.
  22. I have no motivation to do anything
    Something that has never happened to me. I'm not driven. I can't seem to figure out where to begin on anything and my own indecision is actually driving me mad.
  23. It feels like my life is one gigantic game of whack a mole and I can't keep all the moles down and they are mocking me.
  24. I'm not this person. I'm happy. I'm nice. I'm social. I'm funny. I'm motivated.
  25. I'm not the person who abandons her sorority's retreat because she can't be around people without wanting to either scream cry or laugh hysterically
  26. I want someone to notice that I'm not ok.
  27. I want someone to see through my front and tell me that I don't look ok.
  28. I want someone to pull me aside when i tell them how tired I am bc I don't sleep much anymore.
  29. I want someone to look at me and tell me it's ok that I'm emotionally unavailable for reasons outside my control.
  30. I want someone to know that I am white knuckling it so hard as I try to cling to a life where i don't have to deal with this.
  31. I want someone to walk to the therapist who I probably shouldn't started seeing years ago but didn't out of fear.
  32. I want someone to sit in bed let me cry.
  33. I want that someone to be me.
  34. I've always been the strong older sister who doesn't let anything get her down
  35. It's my turn. I can't go on like this and pretend like it will all get better.
  36. I want to be brave enough to admit that I'm not strong enough to handle everything.
  37. I'm so sorry for dumping this out here.
  38. I just needed to yell this into the abyss of the internet.
  39. If you have any tips on how to take that initial step to getting some help I would really appreciate it.
  40. I'm so sorry if this made no sense m. You don't know me and that makes it harder and easier at the same time.
  41. Just putting this message in a bottle and seeing if anyone sees it.