I realize this is my second list of the day, but I have some things to own up to and mistakes to acknowledge. No one person is invincible.
  1. Tonight it seemed like I was riding high. I got a free swipe into the dining hall, learned all about the Flat Earth conspiracy and found my two new favorite songs.
    Flatline and Flat to Facts obviously.
  2. Then @Bethvita did something weird. After I played Flat to Facts, Beth played excerpts from three very specific songs. Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan. Best of Both Worlds by Hannah Montana. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.
  3. That's weird I said to Beth. Why are you playing those I said to her. No answer.
  4. A few minutes later, Beth offered to get me a thin mint. My room is very far from the kitchen so I was grateful. She brought me back two cookies. "Everyone needs candy sometimes." She said cryptically. She started singing I Want Candy. Also cryptically.
    Thin Mints are not a candy. Big red flag.
  5. By now I was sure something was up. Beth was not acting usual. I demanded answers. She just stood in her doorway with a smug smile. Nothing added up. I thought I was losing my mind.
  6. (I thought maybe Beth was punishing me for the Empty Toilet Paper Roll Prank, or for disrupting her during the Under Blanket Singing Competition, or the Fake Porno Shoot)
  7. I took a shower. Came back to my room. Found a piece of paper with weird sentences and Simple Plan lyrics. Still, I did not understand.
  8. I was shedding tears. I didn't know why Beth was acting this way. I tried to calm down by putting on a face mask. Halfway through applying, the truth struck me like a bolt of lightning.
  9. Flashback to two weeks ago. Beth, Jordyn and I are eating at Wahlburgers. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls begins to play. "I wrote Twilight fanfiction based around this song," I tell my friends.
  10. Famous last words.
  11. Beth's eyes go wide as saucers. "I need to read that." She says. I tell her: "No way will I tell you my username. But because you're never going to find it I will give you these clues."
  13. I won't tell you the clues. If you want to find my sixth grade fanfiction there are probably enough clues in this list if you really wanted to go all Beth on me.
  14. The thing is, Beth doesn't know anything about the Internet. She doesn't understand hashtags, trends, or the entirety of Facebook.
  15. But I should have known when she finally figured out her Facebook password to get the List App she was getting tech savvy.
  16. For two weeks, Beth ruminated on the information. She searched the Internet. She found my sixth grade fanfiction. And she used the information to drop cryptic hints, psychologically torturing me.
  17. Now I would be doing 12 year old Mary Kate a disservice if I took down my angsty fanfiction after this, because 12 year old Mary Kate was obscenely proud of her badly written angsty fanfiction.
  18. But if you're still with me, know this and know it well:
  20. Never assume Beth can't do anything Internet related. And just because B.o.B released a dis track about Neil Degrasse Tyson doesn't mean it's your day. And never tell anyone anything about your past.
  21. Especially if you wrote bad fanfiction.