BLURBS ABOUT BOOKS I WILL WRITE IN THE FUTURE

  1. Mary Kate Carr is a 300-year-old witch who preserves her youth by ritually sacrificing virgins every six months. By reading this book you too can learn how
  2. Not the first time someone has turned a minor childhood trauma into a multi-volume memoir, but certainly the last time this author will ever be allowed to do so
  3. As her family we are proud to publish her early journals now that's she's gone, but we are also a bit embarrassed about how much angst they contain, considering her relatively easy white suburban upper middle class upbringing
  4. A truly delightful bit of narcissism, despite lacking completely in self awareness
  5. Enjoyable enough, though as is the trademark of her career she continues to rest on the laurels of funnier, more talented and more successful siblings
  6. No one ever expected her to write a thousand-page treatise on why Robin is better than Batman and ranking them each from best to worst, we didn't want it, we still don't want it
  7. This book is just pages and pages of crudely drawn, "cutesy" stick figures. "This really used to work for me," Carr insists, "The people love this"
  8. Charting the meteoric rise to fame and giving an inside look at the partnership between herself and Olivia Harvey after a string of successful Broadway musicals
  9. Her Majesty writes about her time living in the age of American democracy and how she gained power to eventually dismantle that system. "We love it because we have to!" Says the now-defunct New York Times
  10. A foreword by the author reads: "I know it's not that good. Please read it anyway. Please"