My Dating History as a Quirky Sitcom
Excellent decisions I have made over the last ten years.
- •The one where she meets the Harvard Law grad with whom she seems to have a million things in common—until they go out and she realizes he is a closeted bigot who fights equal rights legislation for a living. She gets on her soapbox, causes a scene, and storms off. He texts the next day to say he had a nice time and asks her out again????
- •The one where she has to choose between the doctor who is shitty to her and the broke, hot sign painter who is probably the world's nicest guy. And she chooses the doctor. Who later dumps her when he quits practicing medicine and makes millions starting a Twitter account of glorified dick jokes and nudes. Sign painter marries her friend.My instincts are spectacular.
- •The one where her seriously hot neighbor finally asks her out but instead of taking her to dinner he takes her to a keg party and (having not eaten) she accidentally gets drunk really quickly, passes out in his bed and talks about The Death Star in her sleep. They never speak of this again.
- •The one where she is dating a seemingly perfect & emotionally available guy who has this one irritating habit of cancelling on her for his friends, all the time. She plays it cool for weeks but eventually she has to admit that it hurts her feelings. He apologizes, is super sweet to her all week, then shows up at her house and dumps her.
- •The one where she breaks her ankle on a first date and the guy is really nice about it. But she is on crutches and can't really leave the house so the relationship ends up becoming domestic too quickly. They both feel obligated to the other. By their fourth date they are already a bored couple & they simultaneously ghost on each other.
- •The one where she goes to a frat party with her crush. He offers to give her a piggy-back ride but she jumps on his back too hard and he falls on the pavement, smashing his glasses into his face. This date ends in an emergency room and the knowledge that she will still make out with a hot guy even if he is literally bleeding from his eyeballs.
- •The one where she starts dating a hip & pretentious artist and all of a sudden gets street cred among hipsters, tons of Instagram followers and new "friends". But he becomes erratic and crazy and one day posts a painting of her genitals on Instagram without her consent. She dumps him for a cowboy with a labradoodle who doesn't mind Starbucks.
- •The one where a friend's boyfriend emails her saying he wants to hire her and asks her to get coffee. He pushes to late afternoon and suggests beers instead. She shows up to find that he has ordered a bottle of champagne for them as well as a three-course-meal. Surprise! He never actually wanted to hire her, just trick her into a romantic evening.
- •The one where she is hanging out at her boyfriend's house and realizes there is a giant hole in the wall hidden behind one of his "tapestries". It leads to the other half of his duplex, where he is growing a very, very large amount of marijuana. She leaves, but not empty-handed.
- •The one where she stops dating for a year and gets serious about therapy, works through her self-esteem issues and realizes that being a part of a couple isn't indicative of her self-worth. Standards get raised, grudges are dropped, and she ends up very happy on her own. For now. :)