How To Survive In The Mountains

  1. 1.
    Don't go outside after 7
  2. 2.
    Don't ignore your dog when she abruptly stops and stands alert while looking into the woods
  3. 3.
    Don't ignore your cat when she arches her back and her hair gets all pointy while ALSO looking in the same direction in the woods as the dog.
  4. 4.
    Do put your phone away and stay alert
  5. 5.
    Do use your ears
  6. 6.
    Do not assume that that distinct crunching noise you heard is just a bunch of squirrels
  7. 7.
    Squirrels are not that heavy.
  8. 8.
    They do not weigh enough to make that distinct crunching noise you now hear in the woods.
  9. 9.
    Do allow your imagination to think its a bear. This will kick your instincts into survival mode.
  10. 10.
    Do back away slowly when you hear that heavy crunching noise again.
  11. 11.
    DO start to freak out a little bit and back peddle a little bit faster when that crunchy noise in the woods starts to sound like its getting a lot faster and a lot closer.
  12. 12.
    *DONT* let your guard down when out of the woods comes a deer that immediately pauses and stares into your soul
  13. 13.
    Because guess what. 8 outa 10 times that deer is a mama deer. And she will probably charge you because APPARENTLY YOU ARE IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF HER BABY BUT HOW THE FUCK WHERE YOU SUPPOSE TO KNOW.
    DEERS ARE *NOT* CUTE WHEN THEY CHARGE AT YOU. *I REPEAT*. NOT. CUTE. VERY. MUSCLEY. AND. SCARY.
  14. 14.
    1/10 times its a deer with rabies.
    No joke.
  15. 15.
    The other 1/10 its p chill. It don't give a fuggggggg.
  16. 16.
    MOVING ON
  17. 17.
    DO speed walk to the nearest infrastructure.
  18. 18.
    DO lock one self in said infrastructure and never go outside to "nature" again.
  19. 19.
    DONT forget to bring your outside trash cans inside
  20. 20.
    Because that's when the real shit starts to go down.
  21. 21.
    There be black bears yall.
  22. 22.
    And
  23. 23.
    They
  24. 24.
    Don't
  25. 25.
    Give
  26. 26.
    A
  27. 27.
    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
    (Seriously you could yell at them all day and all they would do is flip you off. THEY JUST WANT YOUR THROWN AWAY LASAGNA.)
  28. 28.
    If in the event a crazed opossum (LOL they're all crazed) shows up on your porch with razor sharp teeth, huge marble black eyes, and slobbering literally everywhere,
  29. 29.
    Get yourself right with whatever God you believe in
  30. 30.
    Because only He can save you now.
  31. 31.
  32. 32.
    [LIVE UPDATE] OH SHIT YALL THE DEER IS BACK
  33. 33.
    THERE ARE ALSO CRUNCHY NOISES COMING FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE HOUSE.
  34. 34.
    THERES TWO OF THEM NOW?
  35. 35.
    WAY TOO EXTREMELY LOUD
  36. 36.
    WAY TOO INCREDIBLY CLOSE
  37. 37.
    JEANINE WANTS TO KNOW IF I YELLED AT THE DEER TO GET OUT OF HER GARDEN OR IF I JUST TOOK PICTURES OF IT
  38. 38.
    I TOLD HER I JUST TOOK PICTURES OF IT
  39. 39.
    UPDATE: JEANNINE HAS NOW TOLD ME TO STOP TAKING PICTURES
  40. 40.