INSTEAD OF

*twirls around in chair* *gets up from mahogany wood office desk* *starts to pace* *points at secretary* "Write this down, Beverly."
  1. Instead of roses, I want you to throw assorted lil Debbie snacks into my coffin at my funeral. Preferably honey buns.
  2. Instead of rice, I want you to throw goldfish at my wedding.
  3. Instead of champagne, I want carbonated red powerade at my wedding.
  4. Instead of holy water, my child will be baptized in a sea of Doritos.
  5. *looks out into New York skyline through penthouse window* "I think I'm on to something, Beverly. This is gonna be big...mark my words....everything is about to change."