JENNIFER LAWRENCE, RIHANNA, AND ANGELINA JOLIE ARE IN DANGER AND I CAN ONLY SAVE ONE

Oh god. OH GOD. OH GOD NO.
  1. Ok
  2. OK MARY CALM DOWN *slaps face*
  3. We're on an island like the one in the scary King Kong movie.
  4. The creepy natives have captured us.
  5. Im being pushed forward. They take my blindfold off.
  6. I look up.
  7. It's Ang, Jen, and Ri tied up on the weird sacrifice things.
  8. I'm all like "NO YOU BASTARDS NOOOOOO" but like with a cry face and I'm like spitting in anguish and look disgusting.
  9. I look around.
  10. Damn.
  11. They've got Dan our man and translator.
  12. He's all like "they want you to choose. You can only save one." He can't even look up at me. DAMN IT DAN FIGHT MAN. It's no use. Dan has given up. Ever since he lost Lillette in the rock fall he hasn't been the same.
  13. The natives are closing in. I must choose.
  14. I look up at Angie. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO BRAD AND THE KIDS ANG? HOW?? I say through my blubbering cry face.
  15. A single tear roles down her face and she's all like it's okay. It's okay Mary.
  16. Ok think Mary THINK.
  17. The natives are looking at me like if I don't save Rihanna I'm a racist.
  18. This girl with the bone through her nose is hard core judging me.
  19. CHILL IM OBVIOUSLY GONNA PICK RI OVER J-LAW.
  20. Ri or Ang?!?!?!?
  21. AGH!
  22. I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH
  23. RIHANNA IS ANGRY CRYING AND IS LIKE DARING PEOPLE TO FUCK WITH HER THROUGH HER PIERCING EYES.
  24. I can't decide.
  25. I grab a spear.
  26. I'm about to kill myself.
  27. Suddenly a hand grabs hold of my arm.
  28. I look up.
  29. ITS JENNIFER ANISTON
  30. OH SHIT
  31. OH SHIT OH SHIT
  32. I'm all like JENNNN?!?!?
  33. She just looks at me with the look that's all like I'll take it from here.
  34. I sigh in defeat. I'm as useless as DAN.
  35. The drums have stopped. It's time. Jen has taken up my cross and must now choose. At this point Angie is looking flawless still and looking up at the sky in total acceptance. Ri is just thinking about how this would make a killer album cover art piece. J-Law is passed out tbh because she was just drunk this whole trip.
  36. Moment of truth.
  37. Jen chooses...
  38. ANGIE?!?!?
  39. WHAT?!
  40. WHAT?
  41. OH SHIT
  42. Angie gets cut down and is freed.
  43. I'm still sobbing in a corner and just freaking out because I don't know what just happened.
  44. To be continued...
  45. Bc too many 🍷🍷🍷🍷