1. When I saw the Revenant.
  2. When my mom said I could have the rest of Christmas tree lil Debbies.
  3. When my sister tossed a glass of milk in my face.
  4. When these 3rd graders started flicking each other off behind their teachers back.
  5. When there was this one really good sale at the Loft one time.
  6. After Beyonce's MTV performance.
  7. After Beyonce's super bowl performance.
  8. After Beyonce's pepsi commercial performance.
  9. When this baby looked at me and I swear it looked like an old man was stuck behind her eyes just ineptly staring at me. This baby looked too smart. Like I couldn't.
  10. Between the ages of 0 and 3 probably.
  11. When my mom sprayed my right in the face with a water hose one time.
  12. When my parents brought down a mysterious box with a puppy inside it. And then brought down another mysterious box we just thought had toys in it BUT THEN IT WAS ANOTHER PUPPY.
  13. When my little sister looked way too much cooler than me.
  14. When my quiet, assface, not as witty, brother (who NEVER TALKS) really got a zinger in and called me the DUFF of the family.
    That bitch.
  15. When this girl straight up denied that she stole something and then proceeded to blame it on me.
    I. Could not.
  16. When I tried to tell @joemurphy what it would be like if I met Beyonce.